Today is the day, 5 Years since transplant!

It was five years ago today that I received my liver transplant. It was the second time I had gone to the hospital for to await transplant. The first time I was a backup candidate in case the person the liver was designated for was not able to receive it. Fortunately he was able to get his chance at life.

It was around 3:30 pm when I was taken back to the operating room to begin my liver transplant. As the nurses shifted me from the gurney to the narrow operating table, the thought that kept going through my mind was “Wow, am I really here now?”.

They strapped my arms to outstretched parts that were at 90 degrees to the table. At one point I remember thinking that it was almost like a cross. They then put these hard plastic boots on my feet and calves.

It was quite surreal as I looked around the room at the massive amount of surgical equipment and number of people that was there. I have to admit that I was a little nervous. After all I hadn’t been in a hospital since I was a young child when I was seven years old for a broken arm.

The nurses asked me how I was doing, I told them that I was fine. Then I asked them a favor, I said “I don’t care what you do to me just please make sure that I don’t feel or remember anything”. I then said a little prayer asking God to keep me in His hands, whether I lived or I died. I praised Him for who He is and all He had done. The last thing I remember was the nurse telling me to count backwards from one hundred. I doubt if I made it past ninety.

I awoke late the next afternoon in the ICU with a breathing tube in my throat. The nurses shortly removed it, without much discomfort. This was a surprise to me because before when I had this it was very painful. They showed me how to clear my throat with a vacuum wand and soon allowed me to have some liquids. The next day they moved me to the recovery floor.

The first really big thing that I noticed different was the next morning as I was waking up I could feel the sun shining through the window and it really warmed me up. This was a huge deal because I had spent the last two years being cold and never being able to get warm.

I recovered pretty quickly and was walking the halls to get my strength back. On the 13th of March I was discharged being deemed fit enough to go home to recuperate.

I remember having tears in my eyes as I rode home in the car. I was looking out the window at all the things going by and thinking that I almost didn’t get a chance to ever see them again. I felt then, and do now as well, so thankful to God for the miracles He has performed in my life.

So March 5th, 2009 was the day that changed everything for me and I look back on it fondly. I give God all of the glory for what He has done and I hope that I can be the person that He wants me to be while I am still here on this earth.

What are the human values taught by Jesus Christ as described in the Bible. Part 4: Charismatic people and their Hotline to God!

 

Have you ever ran across someone who is constantly telling others that God told them that these people should do this or that? Many charismatic people believe that God is constantly speaking to them. My response to them would be, “Every thought that runs through your mind is not a direct command from God!”

I have heard them often say “God told me you should do this” or “God told me that you shouldn’t do that”. Now I am not implying that God does not communicate with His people. What I am saying is if we have no need for a priest to be an intermediary for us with God, then I don’t believe that God has to use an intermediary to speak to us either.

My biggest concern is the young Christian that does not know scripture well and then begin to rely on these so-called “God Whisperers”. When we as Christians place our trust into a human rather than placing it fully in God trouble begins brewing.

I see this as a two-pronged problem. First it is the people going around telling others what they should do with the emphasis on the command being directed by God Himself. The other is the fact that most of our church going population has not read the Bible in its entirety and therefore is ignorant of what the Word of God really says.

I did some informal research in 2010 about where the church and Christians stand when it comes to reading the Bible. Here are the statistics that I came up with.

– 70% of Americans say they believe in a personal God.

– Nearly 1/3 of Americans believe that the Bible is the actual word of God and should be taken literally.

– 47% of Americans believe that the Bible is divinely inspired. 

– Fewer than 22% of Americans attend worship services each week.

– 17% of all Christians say that they tithe, 3% actually do.

– Occasional Bible readers have declined from 79% in the 80’s to 59%, according to a recent Gallop poll.

– Only 16% of Christians polled said that they read the Bible daily.

– Less than 10% of Christians have actually read the bible from Genesis to Revelation.

So from my research I can see why so many people listen to others as their source of information, inspiration, and guidance. This is not what God wants from us, we are not to be mere sheep following after someone just because everyone else is. We are supposed to be like the Bereans and compare everything we are told against scripture. We are to rightly divide the Word.

 

 

What are the human values taught by Jesus Christ as described in the Bible. Part 2

Part 2: The Word of Faith Movement (also called Name It and Claim It)

I found an opinion piece written by Jack Zavada that I found here, http://christianity.about.com/od/Word-Of-Faith/a/Word-Of-Faith-Errors.htm . It sums up the issues that I have with the Word of Faith movement rather well. It covers the prosperity gospel again but it is difficult to separate these beliefs. Here is what Jack Zavada wrote.

Word of Faith Errors

Word of Faith preachers are common on television and have massive followings. They typically teach that God wants his people to be healthy, wealthy, and happy all the time, and that speaking the right words, in faith, compels God to deliver on his part of the covenant.

Believers in accepted Christian doctrine disagree. They say the Word of Faith (WOF) movement is false and twists the Bible to primarily enrich the Word of Faith leaders themselves. Many of them live in mansions, wear expensive clothes, drive luxurious cars, and some even have private jets. The preachers rationalize that their lavish lifestyles are only proof that Word of Faith is true.

Word of Faith is not a Christian denomination or uniform doctrine. Beliefs vary from preacher to preacher, but they generally profess that children of God have a “right” to the good things in life, if they ask God and believe correctly. Following are three key Word of Faith errors.

Word of Faith Error #1: God is Obligated to Obey People’s Words

Words have power, according to Word of Faith beliefs. That’s why it is often called “name it and claim it.” WOF preachers cite a verse such as Matthew 11:24, emphasizing the belief aspect: Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. (NIV)

The Bible, in contrast, teaches that God’s will determines the answer to our prayers:

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. (Romans 8:26-27, NIV)

God, as a loving heavenly Father, gives us what is best for us, and only he is capable of determining that. Countless faithful Christians have prayed for healing from illness or disability yet remain unhealed. On the other hand, many Word of Faith preachers who claim healing is only a prayer away wear eyeglasses and go to the dentist and doctor.

Word of Faith Error #2: God’s Favor Results in Riches

Financial abundance is a common thread among Word of Faith preachers, causing some to call this the “prosperity gospel” or “health and wealth gospel.”

Supporters claim that God is eager to shower worshipers with money, promotions, large homes and new cars, citing such verses as Malachi 3:10:

“Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.”(NIV)

But the Bible abounds with passages that warn of pursuing money instead of God, such as 1 Timothy 6:9-11:

Those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. (NIV)

Hebrews 13:5 cautions us not to always be wanting more and more:

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” (NIV)

Wealth is not a sign of favor from God. Many drug dealers, corrupt businessmen, and pornographers are wealthy. Conversely, millions of hardworking, honest Christians are poor.

Word of Faith Error #3: Humans are Little Gods

Human beings are created in the image of God and are “little gods”, some WOF preachers claim. They imply that people are capable of controlling a “faith force” and have the power to bring their desires into being. They cite John 10:34 as their proof text:

Jesus answered them, “Is it not written in your Law, ‘I have said you are “gods”‘? (NIV)

This Word of Faith teaching is blatant idolatry. Jesus Christ was quoting Psalm 82, which referred to judges as “gods”; Jesus was stating that he was above judges as the Son of God.

Christians believe there is one God only, in three Persons. Believers are indwelt by the Holy Spirit but are not little gods. God is creator; humans are his creations. To attribute any type of divine power to humans is unbiblical.

God’s Grace at Work

It has been a year since my suicide attempt, and much has changed. No longer am I the loose cannon ready to go off. God has made great changes in my spirit that has lead me even closer to Him.

Before my suicide attempt, even though I had received a new lease on life, it seemed that all of the old problems were still there trying to take me down. I struggled with depression because of my inability to do the physical activities that I had been accustomed to before my illness. My relationship with my wife was much the same as before my illness, distant. I thought to myself why go through all of the hardship to come out of it with life right where it was before?

God gently and compassionately took me through some learning about myself and about others that clarified what He wanted me to see and how He wanted me to react about these things. God opened my eyes to see that my wife had hurts of her own which she needed support to deal with in her own time. He made me aware that there were different, more compassionate ways of dealing with other people’s anger and with difficult situations.

Mostly, God made me aware of His unending love for all people, whether they are saved or not. He wants all people to be given the opportunity to experience what God’s love is like. He uses us, His followers, to bring that love to the world. The world is to see Jesus through our actions of love, compassion, and empathy. This is our responsibility as followers of Jesus Christ. We are to spread the Good News and be a light of the world as we do it.

Now when I find myself faced with anger or depression, I close my mouth and pray to God to give me peace and forgiveness, both for me and the one who is causing the disturbance. Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to be our counselor, and our greatest supporter. The Holy Spirit gives us the strength to endure things that we would otherwise fall prey to.

God has made me aware that my life is not my own. He has kept me here for His own reason and it is not for me to question Him why. My appropriate and only response to this is complete surrender to His will. Not my will but Your will be done Lord!

The Power of the Pill or (The Devils Sly Works)

Last June 2011, I had a bit of an issue going on. I was raging. I was easily set off by the slightest thing and I could not figure out why. It culminated into severe depression and then into attempted suicide. At the time I was begging God to stop me. I told Him that I could not stop myself and if He wanted me to survive, He would have to save me. Then I took two and a half bottles of narcotic pills and laid down to die.

Eight and a half hours later I was awakened by my daughter getting the door open to the room I was in. I was in shock that I was still alive. I had not expected to wake up on this earth. Police and Paramedics were called. I was able to stand up, walk into the other room, and answer their questions. I was taken to the hospital for treatment of overdose and observation. Ironically the doctor did not believe that I had taken the amount of pills that I claimed because my blood tests came back with low levels in them. Especially because the Acetaminophen count should have been high from the Percocets I had taken.

After I was released from the hospital I still couldn’t figure out what had caused my extreme personality shift. I spoke to a therapist and asked if a drug could have caused the reaction that I had. She said that it was very possible and we went over my medication list. The one drug that I had been out of for several weeks while waiting for it to be filled by the VA was Clonazepam. I had been prescribed this by my Pulmonary doctor (non VA) for restless leg syndrome which he diagnosed me with. He told me that it would make me sleep better by helping my insomnia and easing my limb movement at night. I had been taking it daily for almost a year.

What the doctor didn’t tell me was that Clonazepam is actually a very strong anti-anxiety drug that shouldn’t be stopped. I found that out from my therapist. So it seems that I had gone through withdrawal from this narcotic which caused increased anxiety, paranoia, anger, and depression. It is no wonder that I literally flipped out.

So let’s recap. I took an excess of sixty narcotic pills. I was alone for at least eight hours without help. I was awakened, able to stand, walk, and answer questions. The doctor did not believe that I had taken so many pills because the blood tests did not confirm it. All of the tests that were run on me came back normal including the Acetaminophen. My liver function tests came back mostly normal (my liver did not reject due to the overdose).

How is any of this possible? I should have been dead or at least in a coma. Remember what I was begging God to do? I begged Him to save me because I could not save myself from myself.

God used this situation to work on me further. He has brought me closer to Him. He has caused me to rely on Him. He has taught me to be more patient, loving, understanding, and forgiving. I’m still not perfect, I will never be until I stand with Him in heaven. Until then I give myself over to Him, fully, completely, and without limit. I am His to command.

Ramblings of a Dying Man

When a person has a terminal illness it is a very difficult for people around them to understand just what they are going through. Obviously the family and loved ones can see the toll that the illness is taking on that person but they cannot understand the mental impact that having a terminal illness has.

When a hope for a chance at a new life is offered through some miraculous way, the ill person focuses on that chance and does everything that they can to meet the requirements to be a candidate. But this still causes a rollercoaster of emotions as they go through one medical incident after another.

Whether it is a coma, or internal bleeding, or low sodium, or anemia, all of these things take a toll on the individual that is dying. And because in my case, I had to get very close to death before I was the number 1 candidate for transplant and they would start looking for a match. Dying changes a person.

I am not talking about death but the process of dying. For some it is very short, an aneurism, a heart attack, or perhaps a catastrophic accident. But for me, I spent two years dying.

Every time I went to the hospital, only to be patched up and sent home until the next time. You have constant pain; see the looks that you get from your loved ones. As the “Man” of the family and the primary bread winner, I continued to work until my partners said enough. I went through five hospitalizations before that happened. I went through six more before it was over.

To know that you are no longer an able person, and that you must rely on others for many of even the most basic functions of life is difficult. Help getting washed, being driven because the doctors have said that you cannot drive anymore, and watching your home start to decay around you knowing that there is nothing you can do.

Death is easy, dying is hard! I kept a positive attitude for my family, the doctors, and friends. Meanwhile inside, I always knew the pain I had, the feeling of slipping away a little at a time. Feeling depressed, and yet unable to express this emotion because if they thought that you were not suitable then “Off You Go” from the potentially lifesaving transplant list.

My brain swelled at least three times, twice causing comas and once causing me to hallucinate and be blinded for five days. I lost count of the number of times they had to put a needle in my abdomen to drain fluid out of it. We are not talking just a little, the least was four liters, and the most was six liters at one time. Imagine having a gallon of milk in your stomach and you will begin to get some idea of how that is. It is called ascites.

One of the things that happened during my dying process was that I had to re-evaluate my life and my actions. I knew that there were things that I had done in the past that was not right, and certainly not Christian. I have always believed in God and Jesus, but for me they could have been out there playing marbles because I felt that they were not watching over me. But now I had reason to think this over again.

I had coincidences happen a lot. A man I shared a hospital room with was a Christian and he was visited often by his church friends and family. He took time to speak with me and encourage me when I felt I needed it most.

One time while I was in the hospital the nurses had made a mistake and as a result could not give me any pain medication. As my abdomen grew larger and larger the fluid pressed on my heart making it race, on my lungs making it hard to breath, on my stomach causing bad nausea, and made my back muscles cramp tight. The pain was tremendous.

Tears were pouring down my face as I cried out to God to take away the pain or to take me home, I just couldn’t stand it anymore. Then suddenly and quite completely my pain was gone and I was still alive. God had taken away my pain; he had heard me and answered my plea. I was in awe.

After you go through something this powerful there is no possible way you will deny God’s existence. I really do not care what anyone else thinks about that, I know what I experienced and I am convinced. I now knew that not only was God always near me but that He listened to me and responded to me as well.

With that being true it was not a great leap of faith for me to believe that Jesus was the “Word made Flesh”. He was man and God. I then deduced that if that was true then it was also true that Jesus voluntarily died for us on the cross as a sacrifice for our sins. Most importantly Jesus was raised bodily back to life on the third day forever conquering death, sin, and hell.

I found my faith again, only this time I knew that it was true, all true! I had my own proof. I have no recollection of what happened to me during my two comas but I do remember parts of what occurred during my delirium. I remembered vividly a story about Jews that were in different countries around the world that were trying to come home to Israel.

I thought that I was a peasant in Russia that couldn’t afford my food and my medicine and had to choose. I thought that I was Abraham looking over the desert at the Promised Land, and then I thought I was Moses leading the Jews into the Promised Land. I remember Ethiopian Jews trying to get back to Israel, and lost people that had immigrated, only to live in the streets of Jerusalem. It was so vivid that I thought that I was there. It later turned out to be an infomercial for Jewish Repatriation that had been on. Thank God it wasn’t a horror movie, who knows what I may have hallucinated.

I remember asking where my granddaughter was even though she hadn’t been born yet. I remember thinking that I could not find my son, and that my daughter had not been born yet. I remember people coming in and laying hands on me. They prayed and sang hymns over me and a little girl with them asking if it was alright for her to touch me, she didn’t want to hurt me. I felt such love for that little girl and didn’t want her to be afraid.

When my delirium was finally brought under control they called in a neurosurgeon to test me for stroke, and found that my brain was perfectly normal. These are just some of the coincidences that occurred.

The week before my transplant I was especially weak, tired, and in pain. I was really at the end of my life, I could feel it. This is something that a dying person can sense. I prayed to God and told him that I was done. I just could not continue fighting for my life, I had nothing left. This was the night before my transplant and I told Him that He had full control of my life. I was done. I received the call three hours later that it was my turn to receive life.

I cannot explain the feeling that went through my head that moment except that I dropped to my knees weeping and thanking God for His faithfulness. My daughter called my parents and we got ready to go.

It is at this time that a dying person begins to think that everything is going to turn out perfectly. They will get their new life, the family and loved ones will be relieved and then everyone lives “Happily Ever After”.

Now it is time to back that truck up. What I found out was that for a while everyone is happy and delirious that you have survived. Then the things that were left to stagnate when this whole process started begin to come back out. All the bitterness, the anger, and self-centered behavior come back slowly at first but don’t let it fool you. It is just as devastating now as it was when it was first put away.

As a newly faithful Christian, I wanted to find a church, read the Bible, and to “Walk in the Light”. Follow how Jesus was and listen to his commands. I was able to do that for ten months. I had no hate or anger against anyone for all that time.

Unfortunately it was just a matter of time before some family members selfishly believed they could do whatever they wanted no matter who it hurt. They hurt many of the people around me and destroyed many relationships for no real reason other than selfishness and self satisfaction.

This caused me to feel hate again. The desire to protect one’s family is so ingraned into most men that when something like this happens you just want to make the person at fault pay for the damage they have done. But as a Christian, I am commanded to love my enemies, and to be kind and not vengeful. After all “Vengence is mine saith the Lord.” So I have prayed for the ones in question and asked God to help me forgive them because I know that I could not do this on my own.

I once thought that after I got my gift of life that life would be wonderful. But this is the fallen earth, and the fallen human race and nothing can ever be completely wonderful. Pride, offense, jealousy, hate, self-centeredness, continue on without pause. The whole “it is all about me” attitude that many people have is just wearying.

I lived to see my first grandchild born, to see my daughter become the head drum major of her marching band, to see my son become a man with his own family, and to be able to take a trip and see all of my family that I could. These things are greatly satisfying and I am glad to have been here to experience them.

My marriage remains much the same as it was before my dying. I can still be pushed past the edge and act like a heathen, although it is becoming a rarer event. I have the same problems and more because my health has not improved enough to allow me to do normal things on a normal basis. I can do some things but then it takes a huge toll on my body that for every half day of minor labor is followed by two to three days of complete fatigue.

As a dying person I can tell you from experience what it was like to be dying and what it was like to live again. But there are times, especially when things are difficult, that I think back and wonder what if God had let me die and brought me home. There is a certain appeal. At the time I knew that my soul was ready, and right now I could be in Heaven with God and Jesus. I would have no more tears, no more heartache, no more troubles, and no more pain, just eternal love. That is a hard one to pass up thinking about. There are times that I yearn for it; I just wish that it all was over.

But then I remember that I am not here because of random circumstances. God had a reason for keeping me here. I don’t know if I have completed that task yet or not, I probably will never know. I have to take comfort in the fact that God loved me enough to give me a second chance. I have to find the will and the faith to continue on, secure in the knowledge that God knows what He is doing and trusting Him before all others.

Discouragement comes frequently, how else is the devil going to try and shake up your life? I guess it is my job to outlast the devil until God does finally call me home. I am not afraid of dying, I have already done that. I am not afraid of death either because Jesus has conquered it. I look forward to the day that my Heavenly Father takes me Home.

Until then……I will wait as faithfully as I can.